I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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