My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
