Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
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