i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
