Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Welp...herpes.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Girls should come with a carfax report
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
