I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
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