a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
