My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
