smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
