Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
