Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
