I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
