Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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