Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
