david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
