just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
