i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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