my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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