You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
