also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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