I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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