They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Randomize
