You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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