I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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