oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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