you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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