my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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