I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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