I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Randomize
