I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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