He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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