Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
