Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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