I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
