last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
