there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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