Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
