capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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