we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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