i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
