am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
