I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
