she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
