he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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