I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
