I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
