chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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