So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
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