I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
