Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
