I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
