you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
My life is pants optional.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
