Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
