i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
