Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just had sex on a roof
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
