I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
