The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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