addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
