Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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