a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
