Just fell off a train. Bad.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
