I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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